Okay, so I have to be honest, this is from last week *bad blogger* I'm really not loving this outfit, I like the shirt, but the whole outfit together...I'm just not feeling it. It make's me look far chubbier than I'm comfortable with, but then, I guess it could just be these pictures.
If you read my very first post then you'll know I had/have an eating disorder, I say have because I don't believe you ever really, fully recover once you've been there. Up till now I haven't said too much about it for lots of reasons, mainly I don't want this to be triggering, and also this is not what the blogs about, I want it to be a body positive place, so this may be the first and last time.
As you can probably tell I'm having a bit of a tough time at the moment, It's always hard at times, of that I'll make no secret. Having an eating disorder is one of the most horrible things I've ever been though, and putting on the weight I have, to recover physically (this time last September I was 6st), was horrible, traumatising and upsetting, and incredibly hard to do, I can't truly articulate the feelings that go with it, other than to say that it was emotionally painful.
But I must try to remember why I made my self recover, I need to remember the bad things; constantly being cold and irritable, tired, weak and dizzy, I was covered in bruises from my bones knocking together. I remember lying in bed, just thinking I was going to die. Worst of all is the permanent damage I've done to my body.
It will always be in my head, but I literally have to just ignore it, I must. I must try to disconnect my self worth from my weight, when I can finally and compleatly do that I will have recovered, and that is my goal. It may take forever, but it is worth striving for. The past seven years of my life have been consumed by this, and I won't let it take any more, I need to be more than my eating disorder, and to have a life without it.
It's a working progress, but I will make it.
Apologies if this post has been a bit heavy, for want of a better word, or in keeping with the rest of the blog promise I'll be back with the status quo in the next post! I will point out that I am actually okay, I'm just having a bit of a slip, but that happens from time to time, it probably all sounds a bit loony if you haven't been there yourself, so other wise just ignore me, no need to call the men in white coats just yet!